


The Habitable Zone

by LordNorth



Series: Breaks in the Canopy [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Awkward Romance, Awkward Sexual Situations, Depression, Formula for secret gay lovers, Intrusive gay thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, tbh Evan just has a crush on anyone who gives him the slightest bit of attention/affection, teenagers being teenagers, treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:47:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordNorth/pseuds/LordNorth
Summary: It is the last weekend before summer ends and school starts. And while most of his classmates are probably doing something cool and making the most of it, Evan is lamely sitting on his bed in the dark like a teenage cliché.As the saying goes, there is always a calm before the storm.





	The Habitable Zone

**Author's Note:**

> Hello fellow youths! I own nothing, this is unbeta'd, and I hope you enjoy these sad bois and their feelings.

The thing about being publicly out in high school? It only limits what limited dating options you already have in high school. It wasn't like Evan Hansen had planned on being out either. Jared Kleinman, his closest family friend, had just been needling him and needling him and needling him about being weird and kind of sexless until he accidentally blurted in the middle of one of the school's crowded hallways one morning that, "I like Kevin Pfieffer, okay?!" and that was pretty the end of his social life, despite how accepting teens are supposed to be these days. No fanfare, just a suddenly silent hallway and a lot of obvious staring that felt like eternity before Jared broke the ambience with, "... Kevin Pfieffer, really? Of all the men you could have possibly have homoerotic feelings for, Kevin Pfieffer? Wow. I knew you had poor taste, but Kevin Pfeiffer? I'm honestly surprised you have the balls to admit that you could like someone like that, given all of the possible people that would have been better than Kevin Pfieffer." Evan had meant to say that he liked girls too, but his tongue refused to cooperate and his face felt flushed and way too warm. So he did not and kept weirdly quiet for the rest of the day. And by third period, he was pretty sure the entire school knew that the weird, neurotic kid Evan Hansen had a crush on Kevin Pfiefer, the pushy student body treasurer. He went from being the anxious kid to the weird, gay kid in a single moment. It was not a good day. 

That was almost two years ago, and the weak excuse for a social life he has still hasn't recovered. Now every time he tries to talk to a girl, they treat him like some sort of social accessory if they even acknowledge him. And guys? Yeah, guys don't really like talking to him for very long. Heck, even the non-binary kids that he tried talking to for a while still keep their distance from him. It is pretty much a given fact that he weirds every one out.

Hence, Evan is enjoying another summer night living like a hermit. His mom had left him some cash to order take-out, as she is working a double tonight. He probably won't see her until Sunday morning, if he's being realistic. He probably should try to eat something more substantial than a protein bar, because his mom will somehow know if he does not. If he tries lying at all, she will probably give him that "I'm not mad or upset with you, I'm just disappointed" look that seems to be a requirement to be a parent. He really does not want to order take-out online though, as even the thought of facing someone and trying to make small talk while handling over cash fills him with overwhelming dread. The last time he ordered pizza he accidentally gave the girl a ten dollar tip on a five dollar pizza, because he freaked out while trying to hand her the change, had yelled "just keep it!", quickly grabbed the pizza, and then unceremoniously closed the door on her face before sliding down to the floor. He had laid there for a few hours hyperventilating, and had not even moved or touched the pizza until it was cold. It was not a good day. 

God, why can't he just function like a normal person for once? It would be nice to be able to do something simple like using a phone or talking to a stranger without acting like it is the end of the world.

Although, his mom had mentioned she had left some chicken nuggets in the freezer if he wanted to heat those up, but that is somehow worse. He could try, but first he would have to move from his room, then he'd have to find a cookie sheet in the mess of their kitchen pantry, which would not work and all the pots and pans in the house would probably fall on him, all the while trying to heat up the oven which is definitely a mistake because that thing has not been cleaned in years which means he is going to have to explain to his mom, the fire department, the police, news reporters, and everyone in this town just how he, a 17 year-old high schooler, managed to burn down his house by feebly attempting to cook dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.

Evan inhales a deep breathe. He wishes his brain could just stay still for one second, instead of jumping from one bad thought to another. Every single thought – it is always racing at top speeds to the worst possible conclusions with no time to breathe.

Rolling over on his bed, careful of his arm, he flops onto his back. A soft sigh escapes his lips. He wishes he had plans for tonight. It is the last weekend before summer end, and he is, yet again, a sorry excuse for a human being. While most of his classmates are probably doing something cool and making the most of it, Evan is lamely sitting on his bed in the dark like a goddamn teenage cliché. Going out, is out of the question, and not just because his friends list is barely hovering above zero. I mean with low visibility and drunks at this time of night? He'd rather be horny and in bed instead of horny and dead. Evan bites the inside of his cheek. Good thing no one was around for him to say that to. That was regrettably corny, even for him.

He strums his fingers in quick recession against his thigh. Really, is it too much to ask for some nice dick on a Friday night? Is a simple fuck too out of the cards? Well, yeah, it probably is. Actually finding someone willing to fuck him is definitely wishful - and lustful - thinking and most likely a titanic order, full irony of that particular adjective intended. Any attempt at seducing a partner would definitely crash and burn ... or sink to keep in line with the naval metaphors. Seriously, he is probably the virginiest virgin to ever virgin. He could even usurp the constellation Virgo for that title. At best, he might convince a stranger he would never have to see again for a pity fuck because of his broken arm. That's only if he manages to act like normal human being and talk to someone before and after the whole affair without stuttering, stammering, or blurting out something regrettably inappropriate. Anyways, what do you even do in that situation? He doesn't have experience in hook-ups, let alone anonymous ones. Do you shake hands or dicks last? Oh geez, now all he can think about is the idea of dicks shaking with each other upon meeting like hands do.

Rubbing his closed eyes, he slowly sits up, and logs onto his computer that has been laying by his side. After a brief check-in on Facebook, he switches to an incognito tab before searching for an un-bookmarked video on one of his most-frequented sites. He would never admit this out loud, but the video and site are some of his favorites. Well, it is one of his favorites when he is actually in a good head space for masturbating. On screen, two lanky teenage look-a-likes are deftly stripping the other of their clothes intermittent with gasps of frantic breathing and flashes of fierce kisses. One of the teens is burly, blond, and wouldn't look amiss on a football team's defensive line-up. Evan supposes this all-American look is supposed to be really attractive, but his eyes are only on the smaller guy in the scene. The boy - man? ... Evan probably should not be thinking about how old porn stars actually are - has flowing and dark hair that frames long and dainty lashes that dust over freckled cheeks, and limbs almost graceful in their awkward length. As the "teen" on screen languidly unbuckles his pants, teasing the other guy in the video with slow, methodical movements, the tantalizing hint of his dick and well-defined muscles makes Evan swallow. Thankfully, he will never get used to that part.

With sudden determination, Evan slides off his jeans to his knees, throwing an elbow awkwardly around only once because of the cast. It is embarrassing how easy this particular action was to get used to. If Jared knew ... well, Jared's not going to find that out, because he would never hear the end of it from Jared if he did find out. And seriously? Can he not think about Jared when his cock is hard and two seconds from being out and in his hand? He'd rather not think about the implications of those particular intrusive thoughts right now, thank you.

Gripping his dick, he matches rhythm with the reach-around being shown on screen. The blond has the brunette bent over a counter-top, pounding a fierce rhythm and calling the smaller man all sorts of provocative names. Evan's breath catches when the long-haired "teen" let's out a particularly lewd moan after his hair is pulled back rather ferociously. His eyes track the movement of the guy's throat as it gasps for air, the turn of his lips as they beg for release. Evan licks his own lips, twisting his hand just slightly on his dick as he picks up pace. He doesn't know who he wants to be more in this particular scene, but he can imagine quite a few people at school he certainly would not mind re-enacting it with. 

Oh, no. Now he is imagining people he would mind re-enacting it with. He can't get the idea of Alana instructing him in that almost-clinical tone she has to bend over out of his head. He keeps thinking about how she would call him an acquaintance during the whole ordeal, and how she's only doing this for charity volunteer hours. Fuck, he can physically feel his boner wilting. A thousand other faces flashes before his mind, and Evan slams his laptop shut. His face is wet, and he is pretty sure it is not from sweat. Letting out a frustrated cry, he uses his good arm to slowly clean himself off. God, he is a mess. He cannot even be normal while masturbating. Jared's right about him. He is creepy when it comes to sex stuff.

Slowly getting up, he goes to his dresser. Pulling out a pair of shorts, he slips them on. There is really no hope for the rest of the night, so he simply goes to sleep. Well, he at least tries to anyways. He mainly just lies awake listening to the slow hum of the ceiling fan, focusing on it instead of all the bad thoughts piling up in his brain until he eventually succumbs to the night. His therapist would be proud.

The next night goes about the same, masturbatory attempts included, and so does the night after that. The only difference is, school starts tomorrow. And for Evan Hansen, it feels like absolutely nothing has changed since the previous semester. He's still the same old loser drifting through life like he's always been. Why anyone even tries with him will always be a mystery.

Who knows, maybe something will change this year, but his hopes aren't set very high. Evan swallows. Yeah, that's definitely wishful thinking there, because nothing ever good happens to Evan Hansen. He does not have good days, he does not have good years, and he certainly does not have a good life. That is just how things are.

**Author's Note:**

> Just call me Elliot Reed, moment killer. (RIP any boners that died during this.)
> 
> I cannot believe I am writing DEH fanfiction. ... So I have no clue how many chapters this will be, but I cannot imagine it will be too many. This will be a two-part series, only split that way because the tone of the second half is going to be vastly different from the first. This started out as PWP, but it evolved into a piece for me to vent my own anxieties and into a deconstruction of certain tropes regarding mental illness. Also, the first chapter was written on my phone. I apologize for any typos I did not catch.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed. Feel free to leave kudos, comments, critiques, etc. New chapters will most likely be posted in a few weeks, and I am aiming for them to be longer than this introductory one. I really just wanted to establish Evan's mood in this chapter, and how his brain processes things. Hopefully, I captured how an anxiety disorder feels on page.
> 
> P.S. if it sounds like a sex joke in this, it probably is.
> 
> UPDATE: 6/26/2017:  
> New chapters are being delayed a bit longer because I'm working on costume commissions for the summer convention season. I'm aiming to post a new one around July 3rd. Thank you for understanding!


End file.
